Love & Romance - Filipino Style

Not only are the Filipino men very handsome and romantic but the Filipina girls or Filipina women are world known for there stunning beauty. And some foreign women have finally figured that out the Filipino men can be quite a catch. Filipinas girls, are not only beautiful women but a delight to be around because of the famous Filipina disposition and personality. Some, actually many who marry these Filipina beauties, swear they make the best wives in the world, not only beautiful, but loyal, loving and faithful past death. From living here so long that has been my experience too.

And, don't worry if you are older or overweight, like half the population of the western world. Both women and men here have the highest respect for age and weight is a plus to some here. It is a status symbol. If you are overweight, you virtually lose twenty percent of your weight when you step on Philippine soil. Age is respected. Consider yourself lucky to not be a kid anymore. The Filipinas will, hard to believe, but true. Young guys are welcome too.

Most Filipinas like a man with a little, or even a lot of, meat on his bones. And the men here are attracted to "heavy" women, a sign of health to them, especially in provincial areas. In Asian cultures generally, being overweight is a sign of substance and wealth. When I told my Filipina wife, I was going to lose a little around the middle, she said, What for?"

Love and romance is serious business with these conservative Filipino women, whether they are from a city like Manila or the countryside, the province. Romance and eventual marriage is a preoccupation, especially for young Filipina girls in the province. But your average Filipina is cautious about how she conducts herself, especially in the provinces, where every one knows everything about everyone.

The Filipina, How She Behaves in Her Culture, a "True Filipina." In the Philippines, if a man wants to be taken seriously by a woman, he has to visit the latter's family and introduce himself formally to the parents of the girl. It is rather inappropriate to court a woman and formalize the relationship without informing the parents of the girl. It is always expected that the guy must show his face to the girl's family.

Filipino women, Filipinas, are expected to be pakipot (playing hard to get) because it is seen as an appropriate behavior in a courtship dance. It is also one way by which the Filipina will be able to measure the sincerity of her admirer. Let me add here, dont confuse bargirls with normal young woman living in the philippines! That is a whole different story, told somewhere else here.

Virginity is sacred in this Catholic country. Women are taught there virginity is a jewel. Filipino men are not interested in marrying a non virgin. I, thought I am not sure I ever dated a virgin until I came here, understand why. I am sorry if that sounds strange or unforgiving. But in this culture the woman is responsible to not only herself but her family for protecting that virginity. She may not even be forgiven if she is raped! I know this is not fair. But that is the way it is and the Filipina girls know it. Many are badly hurt by men who lie and promise marriage, with no intention of ever marrying them. But they are forewarned in no uncertain terms most often. They know the risk they are taking by trusting a man who want to have sex before marriage. Much of my research on this subject comes from a book written by Dra. Lordes Lopez, the psychopathology of the Filipino. My experience bears out everything she says in her landmark book. The Philippines seem like a neighborhood rather than a country. Of a married or single woman strays, everyone knows it. Filipino men are reluctant to marry a non-virgin even if they are the one who took the virginity! If they could get them to break the rules maybe someone else can too. These young Filipina girls who stray, are called "soft noses," in some areas. The culture and the family lets the girl know it is her responsibility to keep her virginity as soon as they are old enough to understand what virginity is, not only in words by example. They understand is is not the man's responsibility. They are well aware that most men are animals, sexually. As a man, I must agree with that. To steal one of Jay Leno's jokes, "Research doctors at Johns Hopkins University just this week, took out a man's heart and replaced it with heart of a pig. "Then Jay asks, "Know what happened?" He punches with, "Nothing." - "Everything was just the same."

So Filipina women know it is their responsibility to guard their virginity. If they don't, they often pay a serious emotional and social price. If you are involved with a girl who is not a virgin in this culture, you are running the risk of getting involved with an emotionally unstable woman. She has broken the cultural mores, disobeyed her parents others. She may have other problems too, but maybe not. I feel, why take the risk? You may feel differently with good cause. And sometimes, just sometimes, even those "soft noses" are wonderful diamonds, and if they are, they will treasure your love, trust and faith forever!

Meeting a woman through someone else is a good idea. If you meet an older man or woman who has some status, be direct and say, "I am looking for a wife." "They will not be shocked, I assure you, but delighted, if you are truly a gentleman. Filipino men often wanted to take me home to meet their sisters and cousins. A couple of time I went. I was not allowed to be with the Filipina unsupervised and understood that from the beginning. And if you don't like the sister or cousin, he will find another relative to introduce you to around the corner. He will want to keep you in the family, but only if you can understand and relate to the culture. If not, problems may arise. The Filipinos and Filipinas are communal, interdependent not independent. When you marry one you marry the family at least the mother and the father, the siblings too usually. That is trite, indeed, but true. Be sure and read the Family section of the culture page and see if you can deal with what is expected, almost required, a right of the Filipino family whose child is married to a man, foreign or local. If you can't let it be know from the start of your relationship with your Filipina. If she is a "true Filipina,"the relationship may not develop. If it does she may not be happy in it, but you will never know."Pen pal" listings, E-mail pals, Introduction services are other ways to meet Filipinas and Filipinos. Ill suggest to look into www.perfect-match-travel.com, as they know what they are talking about and even run background checks on their Filipina & Filipinos before they let you meeting them in person. I did not meet my wife through one of these services. I took the time to come here and find one who was not interested in marrying a foreigner. But I do know many who have great success and many who had serious failures who used these online services. These services are illegal to own and operate in the Philippines, though not in any other countries I know about.

With e-mail, text pals and the Internet it is easy to meet girls here and establish relationships without an broker. If you join one of these services, though you may feel it is the only way for you to go, do consider another avenue. A trip here does not cost much. Perfect Match Travel is specialized in organizing your safe meetings and you got a real chance to meet your true love. And besides, marriage can be for a life time, or should be. There is no divorce her. The girls get into these services free. The men must pay. You may be writing to several women. They may be writing to dozens of men. Getting involved in any romantic relationship is always fraught with pitfalls. But for some, it is worth the risk, they feel. In a relationship built in a text-based environment, without visual clues, the people involved tend to fill in the blanks with desired attributes of the other person that often turn out to be inaccurate. The person you are writing to may only have the qualities you see in here because you bestowed them on her in your mind.

If you are reading this after having already established a romantic relationship with a Filipina, I am sure you are saying, "My Filipina is different." A romantic relationship with a Filipino or Filipina has a better chance of success if you come over and immerse yourself in the culture. And it is important to meet a woman's or man's family because the family is so important to him or her. And maybe the family will always will be more important than you. There is an Asia saying, that is accepted in the Philippines, "You can get another wife or husband but not another mother or father." Filipino children are committed to their parents who usually went through a lot to raise them. There desire is to make their parents life easier. If you are capable and refuse to help support her family who may need it because of the very hard economic situation here, she may not say anything, but she will neither respect you nor understand. As said, but it can't be said enough, Filipinos and Filipinas are interdependent people, not dependent, like in western cultures. They are so by choice and because their cultural needs.

Crossing cultures is hazardous, and using a text-based environment to become emotionally attached to someone increases the chances of a failed relationship. But there is no guarantee any way you do it. Common sense is your best guide to finding a Filipina bride, a Filipina wife for life who is happy and you can make happier.

Selecting your partner in life is one of the most serious decisions you will ever make. So if you have that in mind, consider a trip here before getting too involved. You may think it expensive. But it could be the best expenditure of your time and money you ever make. And there is no better place for a vacation that this beautiful tropical country. These services that bring together Filipinas and foreigners for the purpose of marriage are just not the ideal way if they dont offer to bring you really together in person after all. My advice is do not get involved with them at all if they just provide addresses and phone-numbers! You hear? Not at all!

I sympathize with those who have had relationship problems. I have recently gone through the move others are about to make. I have learn so much and continue to earn more everyday. First, let me say that without a doubt, you can find the kind of girl you are looking for. There is an essentially unlimited pool of women who would love to date you here. And many, many are what you're looking for, but they are the ones you will have to put the effort into get them.

They will NOT approach you and they usually are not on the internet. (But a few are.) Those on the internet are the ones who are MOST likely to be what you don't want...the MTV/Cosmo influenced girls. But, since I have moved here and learned A LOT fast. I have a few suggestions: First, avoid Manila. The girls there are far less likely to have the values you seek. Or they will be province girls who have come to "the big city" in the belief that the streets are paved with gold and quickly become desperate and, as such, do desparate things. I have traveled much of the country and find Places like Cebu city to be the best for a new-comer (at least until you become grounded) especially if you are an American or European. Cebu or Puerto Galera are probably the most American friendly place in the country. (Not to mention the most progressive.) Second, BE WARE. Be wary of the girls, be ware of anyone who offers to help you (foreigners included). There are MANY, MANY scams and scam artists. I knew a guy who moved here after dating a girl for 8 months over the internet and phone, visited for 6 weeks, then moved here. A week after moving here (after selling his house in the US, etc.) she confesses to him that she got engaged to another American since his last visit... HE NEVER would have thought her capable of such a thing, but he was obviously wrong. He has himself always considered a good judge of character, but he have found that Filipinos are VERY good liars. Also, the culture here allows people to justify almost anything in the name of "survival". And many have a very broad definition of "survival". (Essentially anything that means they get money is helping them to "survive".) So, when it comes to getting married, take things slow. Many girls will try to rush you into marriage, but don't allow them too. If they are rushing, their improbably a reason. Also, don't forget the prenuptial agreement... and if she has a probably with signing one, I GUARANTEE you DO NOT want too marry her! Third, never forget that you are a "foreigner". Being a "foreigner" means that you are expected to pay a higher price than a Filipino and this is pretty much an accepted practice by all Filipinos... don't expect other Filipinos to sympathize with you just because you are the victim of a double standard). This double standard is an accepted practice. Be a foreigner also means that if the shit ever hits the fan, you are the "odd-man-out".

And this includes your future in-laws. Blood runs thicker than water. If their is an issue with the family, don't be surprised when your wife sides with her family over you, her husband. Now, having written all of this, I don't want to be all negative. I was just surprised that no one else had given you this helpful advice. I think there are many great things about living here, the good women tops among them. But, I thought you could also benefit from some of my hard-learned lessons.

Married to a Filipina / Need Marriage Counseling

Family problems are usually solved within the family. Relatives that are closed to the couple are usually called in to intercede for marriage crisis. It could be a sister/brother-in law or parent or close friend of the couple who would appeal to the softer side of the couples or "worst-case scenario" if separation/divorce is impending.

Again, culture comes in. Couples expect to be married for life and don't see divorce as an option. Counselors are far and few in between. It is a new field that traditional Filipino couples often shy away from as "optional" and too-foreign. Inter-racial marriages tend to be open to that option though.

With that said, foreigners must consider the weight of the understated warning,"You marry the Filipina, you marry the family." They are there to help you in family crisis like this.

INTRODUCTIONS EQUALS MONEY

There are hundreds of ‘penpal’ sites, introduction agencies and lonely hearts sites on the web nowadays. Many of these showcase Filipinas, as well as women from Latin America and the former Soviet Union. This article is not about the moral or ethical side of this industry (and it is an industry in more ways than one) but about how you could become involved in it in an ethical and moral way.

The reality is that people are out there looking for each other. We will discuss why in depth another time. Let’s look at the introduction agency. Until the IMBRA law was introduced in the USA a few years ago (International Marriage Brokers Act) many sites charged the man a fee to belong and to get the details of the women members so they could correspond. The view was to meet, marry and live happily ever after. However some men (and some women) abused this and lured unsuspecting partners to their graves in extreme cases and horrible lives of virtual slavery in others. Not all and no doubt a very tiny minority but even one sad story is one too many.

The Philippines government introduced a law to prohibit the running of introduction agencies from the Philippines however providing you did not promise marriage and did not charge the female a fee you were not breaking the law. All the same most people didn’t trust the local judicial system enough to risk it. Those introduction agencies that offered Filipina names and addresses were often run by Filipina wives of Americans, living in the USA. These went from catalogues mailed to the man (hence the term ‘mail-order-bride) and required months of patient snail mail correspondence to the instant gratification of email and online viewing of photos and details (her profile). It also meant that the Filipina could become more pro-active and hunt for a ‘kano’ to call her own.

This technological advance gave unscrupulous people the chance to abuse the system and make money or take other advantages. Men could lure women to their home country and abuse them as sex slaves, Filipinas (and all too often Filipino transsexuals posing as women) could induce men to send them money under false pretenses. The IMBRA law was tagged onto other legislation and passed late at night prior to a holiday and was brought about by the tragic deaths of two women from Russia, not the Philippines. While no one can condone such abuse, the law while well intentioned has been unfairly passed and applied. Large web sites such as yahoo are exempt as while they do have many foreign members, they are not exclusively about introducing foreigners to Americans. Religious sites are exempt due to the power of the religious lobby no doubt and so many sites have suddenly become ‘Christian Dating’ sites.

Basically the law requires the web site to ensure the American supplies full personal particulars to any foreign member (such as financial and criminal records, full address etc) BEFORE they are able to open correspondence. When the couple finally decide to marry the fiance is questioned by Immigration if the law was complied with and if not then they will not be granted a K1 visa. Or a K3 if they married overseas. It is no doubt well intentioned but it is a recipe for disaster and it forces otherwise law abiding people to lie and find ways around the situation or open you up for identity theft or worse.

But it doesn’t have to be like that. For those living overseas who want a Filipina partner, simply come here on vacation and travel around. Read ‘Filipina 101-How To Meet The Filipina of Your Dreams’ for all the information you need to know about how to correspond or meet her in the mall. It also tells you how to detect a scammer and how to avoid her as well as new information on chat cam scams.

But if you live in the Philippines and wish to make a living helping other people find happiness together, this is how I would do it. First of all you must have your Asawa on your side. She is vital as she will be the one to choose and vet the Filipinas. You will find and vet the Kanos. You need only about ten local girls from your Asawa’s home barangay. Relatives and girls she knows personally. Girls she knows do not have current boyfriends and she knows if they have babies or husbands or any of the other surprises that can be launched on the unsuspecting Kano.

Then you set up a web site offering a guided vacation in a barangay locale where the holiday maker can meet real Filipinas and learn about the culture and the community with no pressure or obligation to make any promises at all. For all the details of how to set up a business in the Philippines, check out ‘Making A Living- The Streetwise Philippines Guide To Employment, Business and Investing’. You meet the holiday maker at the airport and guide them to the barangay, arrange their accommodation and site seeing and act as a friend and guide for a set period. During that time you introduce them to the vetted girls in a casual, relaxed family BBQ type situation and let things take a natural course.

You promise only this:

You will meet the client at the airport and guide them to the locale.

You will show them the local sites and hold a BBQ in their honour at which several local Filipinas will be present.

All of the Filipinas will be known to you or your Asawa and in your opinion be genuine and not already married (unless stated).

You will escort the client back to the airport or wherever you both agree to ‘release’ him.

No promises of marriage are made and no online introductions are made so neither sets of laws are infringed, US or Filipino. You charge a modest fee for your time and costs and only from the guest. I would suggest US$100 a day depending on costs and length of visit. You could charge a two day minimum with half in advance (give a receipt) and be clear about your trading and refund terms. Be professional and fair and you will be surprised at how you attract more people of the same nature than bad ones.

Be aware there are some unscrupulous people offering similar services already. They have slick web sites and convincing text but they take the deposit and then fail to produce the service. If you are active on the Yahoo groups for expats and people interested in the Philippines then you will build up a clientele that can vouch for you; word of mouth and reputation is crucial to long term success in this country as anywhere. This idea of mine is for a service that helps Kano and Filipina find each other. You facilitate the possibility only. No promises are made and for $100 the Kano can’t complain if he was shown a slice of real Filipino barangay life not usually experienced by tourists and then sent safely on his way. A date with an American woman will set him back more than that.

Be diligent and find genuine Filipinas. Devise a set of questions to ascertain the bona fides of the Filipina and the Kano and after a while you can sort the wheat from the chaff. Deliver as promised and keep in mind this is a customer focused service. Most Kanos who will pay for this service tend to be genuine in their endeavours to find a Filipina they can trust. The scum tend to know it all already and have their own Modus Operandi. The customer helps you live in the Philippines so take good care of him and ask for referrals.

If one of the girls turns out to be a scammer, deal with it. If the Kano turns out to be less than genuine, again, deal with it. Problems occur in all business ventures, the secret is how you deal with them. Always aim for a Win/Win/Win outcome. Thats the Kano, the Filipina and you all being winners. It can be done and in the long run it is far more lucrative than the rip off or scam could ever be.

SAYING NO TO HER FAMILY

I don’t know why, but many men think marrying a Filipina means they don’t have to work at the marriage like they would if they married a woman from their own country. Filipina’s are women, just the same as American females or English females. Women. A strange breed to us men and full of surprises.

We choose Filipina’s in the most part because they accept us as we are, more so than the women back home. Modern American women, for instance, seem hellbent on proving that they are not just our equals, but superior to us mere males. OK, maybe they are, but the Filipina is more inclined to let us

believe we are in charge! They are more old fashioned, the kind of woman Dad married and all of that, but they are women all the same. So, after the killer divorce and the cleaning out of your bank account

you turn your attention eastwards and look for solace in the loving arms of a woman maybe 20 years your junior (on average), maybe more. What have you two got in common? Why is she willing to accept you, a fat, forty plus foreigner, maybe fifty or sixty plus? She is this exotic, 20 something beauty, why you?

There are as many reasons as there are Filipina’s, but two or three seem pretty constant and recurring. Firstly, you are the exotic one. She will want children and the Filipino obsession with fair skin and western features means the offspring will be guaranteed to be beautiful!

Secondly, most Filipina’s either have difficulty judging our age ( a common thing with many Asian women) or prefer a more mature man. A man less likely to stray and more likely to stay. And usually more financially secure. Which brings us to reason number three. The majority of western men who marry a Filipina do not marry into money. They do not court and wed a young lady, half their age, from the monied classes. They marry women from the lower socio-ecoomic strata. That’s pretty much a fact. What else is a fact is that the rich Filipino’s daughter has everything she needs, money, education, travel potential and thus doesn’t need an average Joe from Hangnail, Iowa to sweep her off her feet and to a life of luxury in the land of plenty.

The girl you are most likely to meet will be lucky if she ever went to college. If she did, I doubt it was the Filipino Ivy League variant. Her family will be large, extended and some may be looking forward to your largesse, even if the immediate family are not. Her English may not be as fluent as first thought, there will be numerous opportunities to practise your communication skills in the years to come as she takes your words and interprets them completely about face to how they were intended.

However, despite her humble origins, she will be loving, loyal and dedicated to your well being. Most of them will be, anyway. There are bad apples in the Filipina barrel the same as there are men you would be ashamed to inflict upon your ex-wife! To her, even a regular working stiff has a life of plenty she has only dreamed of. If you take her back to the States, she will have a major period of adjustment to get through, and so will you. Don’t expect her to know the “simplest” things we take for granted, like what goes in the refrigerator and what doesn’t. Everything will go in there and on a plate covered by another plate, even if you have a saran wrap factory dumping free samples in your

backyard.

It won’t be long before you are faced with the eternal question: how much do you give to the family back in “da province”, if anything? How do you say enough is enough? At some stage there will be an emergency and you will want to help. At other times you may feel like a walking ATM machine with a

neon sign on your head reading “patsy”. Your mileage will vary as eac marriage is different, but here are a few tips I have gathered from friends and my own experience.

Set a limit to how much she is allowed to remit to her family each month. A hundred bucks goes a long way over here and shouldn’t break anyone’s bank, especially if both of you are working. It helps the family out while not giving anyone an excuse to give up their job and hang around the Western Union office every second day. (Western Union, by the way, is an expensive but fast and reliable way to send money. I’d advise you find another way as the fees get pretty high.) Sending too much means family members just might not have any reason to work and support themselves. Sending too little is stingy and insulting, better to send nothing. Some couples never send any money on a regular basis

simply to avoid having relatives depend on them for their livelihood. Some people I know only send money when a specific request is made, such as for a funeral, birth, hospital emergency etc. In some families, they lead lives far more exciting than the average soap opera cast and seem to be forever in

dire peril.

Everyone needs to set their own limits, and make sure you do make at least a mental decision to give X and no more. If your wife works then it is fair enough to let her decide how much of her salary she will send to her family. Some may send all because they are so warm and generous by nature. Others may do the same but only to show off to the family back home. Family ties are strong and not always clear cut, so don’t be in a hurry to apply your homespun American values on your new Filipina bride. Take the time to really learn why she does as she does.

Then there will be the time when you simply can’t afford to send what is asked, or you don’t want to. Everyone has a limit. The best way to deal with a request for money is to tell whoever is asking that you will think about it. It’s a lot of money and you need time to assess the request. Then you do nothing. If they ask again, you can tell them you are still thinking. By now they should have taken your polite hint that the answer is no. If they ask a third time, either the situation is desperate, or the borrower is. That’s up to you to decide.

Never loan money to relatives, always consider it a gift, even if the arrangement is, on the surface, a loan. That way if you never see the money again, for whatever reason, you aren’t disappointed. Another way to handle the request is to tell them that you can’t afford it this month, but you will see if you have enough next month. If they ask again next month, then repeat the excuse.

The whole secret is to never say “NO” directly. There is no reason to say the “N” word, Filipino’s don’t. That is why they will take your order for a drink, knowing full well they are out of stock of whatever it was you ordered. It is more important that they don’t offend you than actually serve you what you ordered. Get it? So do the same and nobody will be upset. Simple. More or less!